Things Trying to get Into Your Head: Your Pets

I'm not much of a pet person to be totally honest.  Yes, puppies/kittens/giant pythons are adorable and all, but they also leave fur/snake skin all over the place.  They also make your house smell like an unfortunate combination of sweaty fat man and the the Great Pacific Ocean Garbage Patch.  Also, the bastards are all kinds of emotionally manipulative and they know it.

If I look cute enough, he won't mind the puke all over his clean laundry!

Seriously.  We all know that one lady with the entire feline population of a small country living in her house.  You don't really want to talk to her, you hate going over there and every night you keep up the same mental mantra: I swear to every higher power I can name, I will never, ever end up like that crazy cat lady.  I might end up dying in prision through a horrible combination of drinking pruno and getting raped, but at least I'll be better off than the crazy cat lady.

That could also be just me.

You see, the thing about crazy cat lady (CCL for short- using an acronym will also make me sound smart), is that the cats are her furry little children.  CCL exhibits the same behavior we expect mothers to show their little ones, except with her cats.  It is fucking terrifying to watch.

Watch the video- I won't describe it in text.  That is a CCL in her full glory.  Complete with a shining song about the greatest cat in the United States, Champer-Damper.

Also, I think she can be euthanized in 10 different states.

Men may also not be safe from CCL-like problems.  It is true that men generally bond better with dogs.  The research is still ongoing and nature likes symmetry, so I wouldn't be remotely shocked if puppies can replace kids for men, just like cats replace kids for women.  We don't see crazy dog guys because men already are under pressure to drink and be manly from society, but I've covered that already.

I'm not anti-pets at all, don't get me wrong.  I do want a cat (just one, no more), but I also want to name the cat Plato so I can yell at an ancient Greek philosopher to get off the counter.  Other name ideas I'm thinking about are those that have some religious significance.

Bad cat!  I told you not to go in there, Mohammad!