How to watch Disney movies as an adult

How does one watch Disney movies past around 10?  The movies are clearly aimed at the little buggers- after a certain age, cynicism just makes watching a picture perfect love plot impossible.  It takes all your effort not the scream out with your world-weary adult mind that this is all bullshit anyway and we're just setting unobtainable standards for our kids and how can we possibly feel good about that?

I'll tell you how.  With booze.  Preferably enough of it to make you call up a bunch of ex-girlfriends and leave tear strained voice mail about when did we go wrong and why can't it just work out between us like it does for Ariel in the Little Mermaid?  It doesn't have to be so hard, after all the incorrect half of her was a fish.


Oh.  I guess I'm the only one whose done that then. hm.  Awkward.

So, without further ado, I present to you several sets of rules to use for a few Disney classics.  Each of the specific rule sets comes with an optional "hardcore" rule designed to make it so that the only way to play the rule is to literally have a keg going directly into your blood stream via IV.

A pair of general rules before we begin: Take a salute gulp any time a memorable character appears for the first time in the movie (or any time any memorable character appears at all).  Also, drink for every musical number.  If you want to experience liver failure, you may start drinking at the start of each musical number and not finish until after the number is over.

Mulan:

•  Drink something on fire whenever Mushu's antics continue Mulan's involvement with the war, or the war effort as a whole.
• If you're a guy, chug a chick drink, if you're a girl, take a shot of whiskey for every cross dressing reference
• Drink for every instance of people eating with chopsticks
• Drink every time a dragon is mentioned or appears on screen
• Hardcore: Drink for anything that is Asian 

Aladdin:

• Drink two for every instance of animal abuse
• Start drinking for every instance of sexual tension, and don't stop until the tension is over
• Take a drink every time Aladdin pussies out of something
• Take a drink every time the Genie references something that doesn't exist yet, but no one misses a beat
• Hardcore: Drink for anything that is Middle Eastern. 

Robin Hood:

• Take a drink and weep for all the future furies every time Maid Marian tries to play up sex appeal in any way (Female version- any time Robin shows off to her, make the amount of alcohol in your cup less by way of your throat).  Side Rule- take an additional drink to deal with your shame if you ever felt that way about either of them.
• drink every time an arrow is shot or seen flying through the air
• drink for every rabbit on the screen
• drink any time anyone is running away from something
• Hardcore: Actually follow those above three rules during the final chase scene.  Its 51 sips in about five minutes, if you wanted to know.

Princess and the Frog:

• Take a sip from a Hurricane every time New Orleans is mentioned or shown
• Take a drink and sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green" every time one of the Frogs starts complaining about anything, or looks annoyed with the other frog
• Salute to badassery: take several large gulps during the villain death scene
• Take a drink and roll your eyes every time Prince Naveen looks longingly at Tiana.  Bonus rule- take an additional drink every time it flies over her head.
• Hardcore: Drink for every instance of racial stereotyping.  Bonus drink for every racist reference, and triple bonus drinkage multiplier for every additional sexist reference.  So, for a reference that is stereotypical, racist, and sexist, that's six drinks (and yes, there are several parts of the movie that qualify for the six drink special)