The Waffle House Index

I'm going to assume everyone here has eaten at a Waffle House at some point.  If you haven't, let me fill you in: its basically a less classy IHOP.  Aside: has anyone ever left an IHOP feeling like hopping?  From personal experience, its more like, "I just ate enough grease to run a biofuel car for three years".  But I guess IJAEGTRABCFTY makes a shitty acronym.

International my ass.  I've never seen an IHOP in any other country I've been in.

If you've never eaten at either of these places, you've never been drunk and hungry at 3 am, which is also the only time its really acceptable to actually go to a Waffle House.  Because if you go at any other time, you'll take one look at the place and wonder why the gas station bathroom has decided to start serving waffles.

Seriously, I don't think Waffle House gives a single fuck about how they appear to any of their patrons.  Its like a white trash convention in there(if you're from Mississippi, a family reunion)- the bus boys are generally drunker than the patrons, there are at least 3 drug deals going down at any given time and your waitress' crabs have herpes.

They have a valtrex prescription at the local pharmacy under the name Eugene H. Krabs

Not to mention they actively cater to the drunk with pictures of their food on their menu.  Screw drunk, they cater to the outright totally hammered/wasted.  I've been smashed, but I've never forgotten what a waffle looks like.

I mean, I guess it makes sense, if your face is numb from Everclear shots, you won't be able to taste the fine layer of cigarette ash that is certain to be on every waffle, because the cook is smoking outside of a hole in the side of his neck due to the fact he has throat cancer worse than Batman in Dark Night.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I found out FEMA uses Waffle House conditions to figure out how hard an area has been hit by a natural disaster.  Considering Waffle House is basically a disaster (even the sign looks like a ransom note) I did find it a little ironic that it was used as a scale to judge other disasters.

But it turns out, Waffle House has found a niche.  They've matched up the fucks they don't give with people who desperately need fucks.  Wait, stop, I didn't mean it that way!

Waffle House does not cater to sexually frustrated nerds.  Does it sound like Waffle House caters to me?

Waffle house has started to market (and plan for) being the first business up and running after some catastrophe has struck an area.  So basically, they make up for a total lack of any quality by being the only choice available, which again, is brilliant.  They even have a mobile command center that travels from disaster to disaster, being the only option for people devastated by some calamity.

I mean, after a hurricane, whats a few ash covered waffles anyway?