Crazy Homosexuality Myths, A Cross Section.

Don't let the unicorns, ponies, rainbows and love of the color purple deceive you, I'm single and free (ladies).

That being said, I have some great friends who are gay, and sometimes we hang out in public, and sometimes they like to make people think we're a couple, and sometimes it ends in me buying them drinks at a bar.

Believe it or not, that story is a lot longer and more boring than you might expect.

You see that girl in the right part of the shot that wants to die?  That would be you if we went into details.

It should come as no suprise that I'm pretty pro gay rights and all that.  I won't dig into it, as you can find better sources on that debate.  I will, however, say that it is kinda silly that its a debate at all, but that's a minor amount silliness compared to what we're about to delve into:

The absolutely bat-shit bonkers fringe theories about homosexuals.  Because, holy shit, bitches be crazy, yo.

First things first, I don't know if you were aware, but it turns out homosexuals are actually unicorns.  I know, right?  Duh.  It all fits!  Obviously, unicorns must have been left behind when Noah sailed on his arc, and managed to use their magic to survive the flood.  But they didn't want to bring God's wrath back down on the world, so they used an ancient unicorn magical ritual under the light of a full moon to become gay men.

This works because unicorns reproduce asexually via spores.  Which, of course, you already knew.

No one move, its a gay man in his natural form!

Well, if gay people aren't unicorns, then where do they come from?

Porn.  Which of course you saw coming, obviously.  Because literally an entire industry built around the concept of having sex with just about whatever you want will eventually make you want to have sex with people of your gender, and only of your gender.

Never you mind that gay porn only accounts for about 10 to 15 percent of the market.  Porn makes you gay.  Which, now that we've finally figured this out, means that we should be able to hit the porn market right where it hurts-- adolescent boys.  Because, you see, boys are naturally homophobic and if told porn will make them gay, will stop buying porn.

It's airtight.

There is some weirdness on the other side of the rainbow colored banister as well.  Being gay is really complicated, apparently-- there are just as many steps to kicking an alcohol addiction than to figure out your sexuality.  Because figuring out what kind of sex your into is just as complex as trying to kick a drug your body has become dependent on.

And here I was thinking that you just sorta drunkenly one-night-standed your way through figuring out what you were into.  Huh.

I could do this all day, to be honest.  But I'll keep the rest around for a rainy day when I don't feel like writing.

Oh, and by the way, Jesus was gay.