The iPhone 5: The Paradox

I don't know if you were aware, but the iPhone 5 recently came out.

Yeah, I know.  It was really easy to miss, very much under the tech radar.  I mean, Apple fanboys (or I guess Apple fanpeople to be politically correct) were going batshit about it, but hell, they do that like every Tuesday anyway.  I'm fairly positive they'd go batshit over a new iDevice charger, for chrissakes.

My own opinions are pretty neutral.  I'm not a big fan of OS X (in any iteration), as it's pretty much Linux with a very unfortunate layer of junk on top.  The mobile operating system is pretty solid, but from a developer standpoint, Android has managed to attract more people willing to write cool things for it.  To be totally honest, I have very little idea why-- I've heard that its a lot easier to learn to write for iOS than it is for Android, but whatever.

Apple still overprices hardware harder than a used car salesman with a cocaine addiction.

... nuff said.

ED: I know that's my second cocaine joke in a while.  I spent a good five minutes trying to think of a good joke involving the word 'erection' but I couldn't do it.  Then I looked myself in the mirror and took a very, very long shower.  But I'll always feel dirty.  Forever.  I'm sorry.

Anyway, new iPhone.  It seems like its the same old iPhone, with some minor updates.  Like a larger screen, slightly louder speakers, being lighter, and a new connector (that'll render all your old connection cords).  So, you know, probably not worth shelling out $200 for.  But who the bloody heck am I kidding, if you were going to buy one, you have already.

I personally believe that cults have just modernized.  Drank basements and old churches are soooo the '90's man.  Apple stores are where it's at these days.

I mean, in any way you look at it, the phone is a success.  It's already breaking all kids of sales records, it has all kinds of glowing reviews and industry experts consider it the death of Apple as an innovative company.

Waaaaiiiiiiiit.  What about that last thing again?

Some experts think that Apple is actually slowing innovation all across the wireless market.

Slow down asshole.  I mean, its not like people think Apple's competitors are doing any bet--

No wait, they do think Google and Microsoft are being more innovative.

How can that possibly be?  Industry success = innovation, right?  We, as a consumer base, will kill for the newest gagety-techy-thing.  Didn't Nintendo prove this with the Wii?

And by my calculations... the answer is blue.  With a giraffe 

Clearly not. Why?  Great question.  I think it mainly comes down to the amount of people in the tech market these days.  Namely, everyone.  If the amount of people playing Angry Birds is any indication, than quite a lot of people have gotten smart phones.  This is a new technology for them, so minor increments do feel like world shattering innovation.

It won't last, of course.  The new guys'll get sick of it and start clamoring for true holographic displays, just like everyone else.

The idols in my life are dropping like flies...

So, most of you know that Steve Jobs is dead.  If this is news to you and you're sitting in stunned silence, welcome back from having your body preserved!  We've managed to revive you from your basically dead frozen state.  Please move along, Walt Disney is next.

But no one tell him about the Jews.

Anyway, yes, Jobs is dead.  And yes, its is rather sad.  But, as any real computer science student will tell you, Jobs' success was built on the innovations of the people who came before him.  What we really remember Jobs for isn't that he wrote any groundbreaking new software in CS-- he was a marketing and application genius.  He took what was already around and managed to package it in a way that was cool.

In a nutshell, Jobs would have been nothing if it was for people like Dennis Ritchie.  Who, unfortunately, has also recently passed away.  I've taken it upon myself to make sure that all of you give a passing fuck.

Ritchie wrote this book- it is more holy than the Bible.  And more practical.

You see, Jobs spent most of his life working on one platform: the programming language C.  Everything Apple has ever done has been based on the operating system Unix.  And as you probably figured out by now, Unix was written exclusively in C.  When Jobs left Apple for a while, guess what most of his work was in?  Writing really bad additions (that no one really uses anymore) to the C programming language.

And guess who wrote C?  Ritchie.  Even better, guess who helped write the Unix operating system?  Ritchie.  Even Ken Thompson, Unix's other main author, gets more press than Ritchie, but that might be because Ken's beard is so intense, it has probably achieved sentience by this point.

Its the source of all his powers.

In fact, C is even more awesome than you realize.  Almost any operating system written these days is written in C.  Windows 7?  C.  Linux?  C.  A bunch of other OS's you've never heard of?  C.  If you have half a brain, you've got to have realized something by this point:

This man revolutionized computer science.  Any modern day computer genius you know of- Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, that guy that "knows a lot about computers" that keeps fixing yours when you get a porn virus- all of them have been working on top of the shoulders of pretty much one man: Dennis Ritchie.  If you use computers in any way shape or form, even just to turn the damn thing on, you're profiting from the work of Dennis Ritchie.

I have a shrine to the man at home.  I'll be sacrificing a lamb tonight for his safe passage in the afterlife.  You better give at least a slight damn.

Godspeed great one.  We in computer science will ever remember you.

Passing of one of the greats

For those of you whose Facebook feeds didn't spontaneously explode, Steve Jobs passed away yesterday.  And if you have even the slightest bit of nerd in you (hint: you do) than this is a very, very sad event.  This was a man who was, in a way, primarily responsible for the nerd dominated culture of today.

Oh, don't look at me that way.  We live in an age where it is very, very good to be a nerd.  The fact that I still exist in any capacity is proof of this- if I lived in an 80's high school, the jocks would have stuffed my ass in a locker so fast, I would end up in the locker before they first thought about putting me in there.

I'm sorry I just violated special relativity for a shitty joke, Einstein.  I really am.  It won't happen again.

And the reason why it is so good to be a nerd?  Jobs.  He was a man with a plan- a visionary, if you will.  You can blame Bill Gates for getting a computer in every office, but Jobs was the one to make computing and computers cool.  He was the one to put a computer in every dorm room.  Seriously- computers didn't really get cool until after the ipod came out and you could store an entire building of 45's on something that could fit in your pocket.

Jobs has always been on the front end of successful technologies long before the iPhone.  After all, the Macintosh was the first really successful home computer, and it also pioneered the graphical user interface we use today- on any operating system.  So, the reason the recycling bin looks the way it does?  That's Job's fault.

But mostly, Jobs believed in getting products people actually wanted to use.  And it payed off- who here doesn't use an iPod for playing mp3's on the go?  The answer is very, very few of you.  And judging from how my Facebook feed was squeeing over the new iOS, I'd say Apple is alive and well in the mobile department.

But despite all these fantastic things, Jobs I think can be best remembered for this: he knew he was visionary.  From the very start, Jobs knew he was going to change the world.  And he did- by designing sleek, useful and easy to use products, he made computing cool.

So, thank you Steve Jobs.  Thanks for my friends.

So... in heaven... does the iPhone support Flash?  Cause that would be sweet.