My two main activities thus far have been working sitting down on a computer and doing my best zombie impression in front of a computer. According to these energy drink cans and large Starbucks coffee cups littered around me, I've consumed enough caffeine to power a 5 year old for thirty seconds on the "birthday-party-with-cake-and-ice-cream-YAAAAAY!" setting.
I look like I lost a fight with someone who's opening move was to punch me in both eyes due to the ever darkening bags under them. I get the feeling if my doctor were to see me right now, he'd shake his head disapprovingly, forever judging me as too retarded to own a body.
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| You're telling me you're dehydrated... because you forgot to drink anything all day? |
There is the other small issue of the fact that I'm pretty sure my doctor wants to drug me and rape me. Well, maybe not the rape, but he most assuredly wants to drug me. I should probably explain.
A while ago (like 7-8 years ago? I'm to sleep deprived to do math) I was diagnosed with ADD--- dude, check it out, shiny! ooh. Shiny.
Shiiiinnnny.
So, what were we talking about? Ah. ADD. Right. Well, there was a period of for or so years when I'd actually visit the doctor for my yearly checkups or however often you're supposed to go visit the doctor. I did this because he controlled my med prescription, and I'd need to go to a check up to get a new prescription when I was running out of pills.
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| Damn, when I put it that way, I sound like a junkie. |
At any rate, he'd always ask me if I wanted to up my dosage and/or take some extra "off the books" prescriptions just in case I ever needed them. It does not help his case that this advice would always happen when it was just the pair of us in the examining room together. That man wanted me hooked on Concerta like Trebek wants kids hooked on phonics.
So, I'm not exactly up to date with my checkups. Well, I felt a sort of justification for this when I learned that doctors aren't always so hot on patients either. Turns out all that scribbling and acronym use are just a doctor's way of calling you a drooling shithead to your face without you knowing. Actually, the way they'd do it would be to diagnose you with Cranio-faecal Syndrome, which is a disease made up for the sole purpose of calling you a drooling shithead.
Some of the best ones have got to be:
DRTTTT - Dead Right There, There, There and There (patient dead and in multiple parts at scene of accident)
Gravity Assisted Concrete Poisoning - jumped/fell from height
Smurf Sign - patient blue or going blue
Solomf yoyo - So long, motherfucker, you're on your own (Used when a patient is beyond the point of saving)
Tachylordyosis (with the junctional Jesus) - Usually a middle-aged to older black female American with a complaint of "lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy", occasionally with the interspersed "Jesus" i.e. "lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, Jesus help me, lordy, lordy"
On second thought, I'm comforted by the fact that doctors have a good sense of humor. Also, some of these acronyms are just touching, for example, being transferred to the ECU (Eternal Care Unit) means a patient has died. Some of them are also terrifying (getting the "slow code" means that a patient is dying but no real attempt will be made to save them due to more pressing more curable concerns).
In truth, doctors have to deal with about 200% more death and bullshit than the rest of us. They deserve their own language to help cope (and disguise unfortunate truths from over-emotional relatives). So, it is also with some sadness that it seems like doctor slang is dying out due to fear that it'll come back in court to haunt them.
Don't be an asshole- keep doctor slang alive. Even when it is used to tell you to fuck off (TTFO).
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