It's like I don't even know you anymore, Internet

I spend a lot of time on the Internet.  That might be an understatement.   It may be more telling to say the only block of time I'm totally disconnected from the net is when I sleep, and I haven't done that in ages.

Outside of sleep and isolated vacations/family functions, you can assume that I'm on the Internet somehow, somewhere.  Hell, I'm writing this blog post in class at the moment.

Aside: Teachers are sorta like lions.  Look 'em right in the eye, show that you won't take their shit and they won't give you any problems.

So, clearly, I pay attention to what's going on in the web.  Not only from the computer science-y side of things (the IEEE people and the WWC consortium), but also from an international law perspective (the copyright protection treaties that flare up every once and a while like a particularly stubborn and noticeable strain of herpes).

Also, from a subculture perspective.  I make a monthly pilgrimage to 4chan.  Afterward, I cry for 15 minutes over a large tub of ice cream, take a half hour shower and spend the rest of the day drinking away my sorrows at a dive bar.

Dealing with 4chan has all the emotional pain of a breakup

Oh, and from a geographic perspective.  I'm still convinced that rule 34's servers are in Atlantis, as any real government would purge the horrible with chemically assisted fire.  So far, all of my attempts to use Traceroute to find the servers have ended with my computer committing ritual suicide after leaving a note that just reads, "Why?"

All in all, the Internet is like a second home for me.  It has become an old friend- one that can trawl the 5 million terrabytes of information distributed around the world and find me the perfect picture of a pinball game that is buried in the code of Microsoft Word '97.

And here you thought only video games had Easter Eggs

So, it came as a bit of a surprise recently when I found out that the Internet is changing.  Or namely, for those that don't want to actually click on links, social networking traffic has eclipsed porn traffic on the web.  Not counting search engines, porn used to be the most common destination of all Internet traffic.

It was depressing that humanity had the greatest information network ever made and used to find boobs, but it seemed fitting somehow.  The fact that we used the Internet for porn showed our flawed nature, that no matter what we think, we're all just animals underneath and are subject to the same pressures, instincts and impulses that all animals deal with.

Now apparently we use it to make friends and connect with our peers around the world, which sounds disgustingly noble, mature and adult.  Eww.

Also, if you haven't yet, do give me feedback about my last post.  Your words do matter because I have no personal honor and will go with whatever has the most support.

Also, if anyone has trawled the blog recently, you may notice that an image is missing from this  old post.  It would seem Amazon does not like it when you hotlink a picture of an easy bake oven.  If I update the post and remove/change the image, it'll republish as my front page post, which isn't exactly helpful.  I do plan on fixing it... soon.

November is just around the corner....

Yay November!  That fantastic month when any and all summer cheer is over, the thrill of starting fall has closed and the only thing we have to look forward to is that awkward holiday when we over eat with relatives we don't like.

Seriously, November kinda sucks.  By this point, students are well into the grind at school, people who work in windowless cubicles are now going entire days without any real sunlight, and aspiring writers are trying to write a 50,000 word novel in a month.

Wait, what?

For those of you who don't know, Nation Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo for short) is November.  I'll be participating again this year.  So, between the 16 credit hour course load, the 10 hour a week part time research job, practicing for the wind ensemble I'm a part of, tutoring math, and providing home cooked meals to my fellow broke-ass students, trying to get 1,600 (plus some spare change) coherent words a day written makes me really mad at the Chinese physicists that have proven you can't go faster than the speed of light, thus ruining my current plan for inventing time travel.

Way to go, China.  Always ruining everything, aren't you.*

To sum up my emotional state in a picture:

Its OK, Twilight Sparkle.  At least you're still classy enough to keep using a glass.

 It will be a bit hard to find the time to try to write any new content for the blog.  But, I don't want to leave you, my dear reader(s) hanging.  Thus, I have decided to unveil a glorious new plan for the month of November:

I will post segments of the novel as I write it here in its own section for November and resume normal posting when I'm done with this affront to English grammar.  The NaNoWriMo section will be updated daily, not only so you can see what its like to mangle a language as it happens, but it will also keep me from quitting like a pansy.


However, that being said, I exist to please.  If there is a motion to continue with the normal posting schedule, I have a pretty kickin' backlog.   Yep.  Nice big backlog.  It's massive.  Right over here.  Somewhere.


I should stop telling blatant lies.  


I really do think I can keep both going, however.  And, if worse comes to worse, the human body can survive for 11 days without sleep. Should be pretty good.


All in all, for one month only, things are going to get a little weird.  Happy November!


*I was just kidding, of course.  You're awesome China.  Please don't hack my blog

The idols in my life are dropping like flies...

So, most of you know that Steve Jobs is dead.  If this is news to you and you're sitting in stunned silence, welcome back from having your body preserved!  We've managed to revive you from your basically dead frozen state.  Please move along, Walt Disney is next.

But no one tell him about the Jews.

Anyway, yes, Jobs is dead.  And yes, its is rather sad.  But, as any real computer science student will tell you, Jobs' success was built on the innovations of the people who came before him.  What we really remember Jobs for isn't that he wrote any groundbreaking new software in CS-- he was a marketing and application genius.  He took what was already around and managed to package it in a way that was cool.

In a nutshell, Jobs would have been nothing if it was for people like Dennis Ritchie.  Who, unfortunately, has also recently passed away.  I've taken it upon myself to make sure that all of you give a passing fuck.

Ritchie wrote this book- it is more holy than the Bible.  And more practical.

You see, Jobs spent most of his life working on one platform: the programming language C.  Everything Apple has ever done has been based on the operating system Unix.  And as you probably figured out by now, Unix was written exclusively in C.  When Jobs left Apple for a while, guess what most of his work was in?  Writing really bad additions (that no one really uses anymore) to the C programming language.

And guess who wrote C?  Ritchie.  Even better, guess who helped write the Unix operating system?  Ritchie.  Even Ken Thompson, Unix's other main author, gets more press than Ritchie, but that might be because Ken's beard is so intense, it has probably achieved sentience by this point.

Its the source of all his powers.

In fact, C is even more awesome than you realize.  Almost any operating system written these days is written in C.  Windows 7?  C.  Linux?  C.  A bunch of other OS's you've never heard of?  C.  If you have half a brain, you've got to have realized something by this point:

This man revolutionized computer science.  Any modern day computer genius you know of- Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, that guy that "knows a lot about computers" that keeps fixing yours when you get a porn virus- all of them have been working on top of the shoulders of pretty much one man: Dennis Ritchie.  If you use computers in any way shape or form, even just to turn the damn thing on, you're profiting from the work of Dennis Ritchie.

I have a shrine to the man at home.  I'll be sacrificing a lamb tonight for his safe passage in the afterlife.  You better give at least a slight damn.

Godspeed great one.  We in computer science will ever remember you.

Board Games: Serious Business

Everyone has there own value system.  I get that- we all find different things important.  For example, if I were to start talked about mathematical algorithm analysis and optimization, most of you would either stab me in the throat to make the words stop coming, or offer me your wallet in an attempt to bribe me to shut up.

In fact, this is my primary source of income.  I've gotten very good at dodging knife thrusts to the throat.

There is, however, some things we all take way to seriously.  Things that always start out as a night of family fun and end up with doors slammed, kids crying and spouses threatening divorce.  In fact, when they made a video game based on these things, it became the quickest way to turn your friends into your enemies.  Mario Party, I'm looking at you.

Kart racing takes a very close second.

Board Games.  Maybe it stems from the fact that we all have that memory of having a Candyland victory robbed from us by getting that godforsaken Plumpy card right as we're about to win, or maybe it stems later, when you can't get your first whore of a peg on the game field in Sorry for ten turns because the dice refuse to grant you a 6.

No matter what the source, everyone always takes board games very seriously.  Its the inverse of bowling- in bowling, everything is hardcore until you get that first gutter ball-- then the shame breaks your resolve and you stop caring about the game.  With board games, everything starts out lighthearted and fun, then things slowly grow more and more serious until death threats become a common place.

The concept of Holy War does apply to friends/roommates/family over Chutes and Ladders

These games get so intense, that the freakin' British royal family is not allowed to play Monopoly because it "gets to vicious".  These are people that have had a centuries of breeding to make them diplomatic and restrained, and they can't even handle Monopoly.

Think you're better than them?  I'd be careful if I were you- people have been murdered over Monopoly (with the added benefit of the killers trying to make the corpse looked like it was raped), Chess (to be fair, the murderer was trying to get to death row- probably over the fact he lost a chess match), Checkers (although the murderer claims the victim accidentally stabbed himself to death with a shank), Dominoes (the killer actually hid out in an amusement park called "Joyland" after the incident), and Dice (where someone was killed over a six dollar gambling debt).

Oh, almost forgot about Yahtzee, where a mother was killed by her son for simply suggesting they play the game together.

Thank Christ she didn't suggest Risk, they would have went postal on the whole city block.

You know what the best part about all of this is?  I am making exactly none of it up.  Listen up, Jack Thompson, I think you're going after the wrong guy.  I'm a bit more concerned about board games than video games at this point.

Robots- still getting smarter and still want to kill us (part 3)

Is... is this connection safe?  I've had to keep moving- I think they're on to me.

They keep sending me all kinds of threatening letters and warnings.  I'm worried now I should have listened to the warnings after they burned Chuck's house to the ground.  I didn't at the time because it was in 1337-speak and ended by calling me a "faggot turd waffle" and implied the sender had done my mom.

I thought some forumite had managed to figure out how to use normal mail, which was scary enough.  But I was wrong.  Oh so wrong.

The robots know I'm telling you about what they're capable of.  They're still pretty disorganized, but they're starting to do terrifying things.  Things like learning from their mistakes and being able to truly comprehend language.  I don't know how much longer I have, but until they pry my Internet connection from my cold, dead hands, I'll keep reporting.

I'm stickin' it to the man- if the man was made of titanium and and called me an organic meatbag

First things first- AI's can read now.  I know what you're thinking- yes, I've been on cleverbot.  Cleverbot doesn't actually read- it has no actual clue as to the content of the text it pours out.  It just selects chunks of text based on anything anyone has ever said to it.

That's why it has that neat little disclaimer on the bottom, and I quote:
"PLEASE NOTE: Cleverbot learns from real people - things it says may seem inappropriate - use with discretion, and at YOUR OWN RISK".

Cleverbot isn't actually learning anything- it just mimics replies and questions that have been sent to it from real people.  And because this is the Internet, you know someone has tried to have sext it, hence our disclaimer.  No, I'm talking about honest to goodness reading comprehension and information retention.  Not only that, but also using said information to then solve an abstract problem.

This is also the skill you're learning for $20,000  a year

Or to put it into layman's terms, reading and understanding a computer game manual.  I'd like to call attention to two things from this, aside from the fact that the computer's win ratio went up from 46% to freakin' 79% after it read the manual.


First, the game in question is Civilization 5.  The premise of the Civ series is simple: build an empire that stands the test of time.  Anyone else getting serious alarm bells here?  I know Civ is one of the most open ended games of all time, but why are we giving the AI a game about basically taking over the world?

Civ is known for being creepily historically accurate (seriously- I spent most of my time in Islamic History going, "huh, I totally see how that would play out if this was a game of Civ").  Scientists are not only building an AI that can read, but are also making it be the best at a game about raising an empire and eliminating (or making your puppets through diplomacy) rival nations.

Second, holy fuck the AI can understand a game manual.  Have you ever read one of those things?  No you haven't, because humans don't do that.  It's now one of the tests you can use to separate us from the machines.  But, if you did read it, you'd find that most manuals use confusing terms, give out shitty advice at best and present most of their information as pictures.  And the AI took all of that and went, "Oh, NOW I get it!" and won.

And if you think that's bad, just give up and end it all now.  Because, you see, they can learn from experience too.  And what they see around them.  And do Internet searches.

Yes, you read that right- the robots have unlocked the power of Google and Wikipedia.  They can use the Internet now.  All its going to take is one false click and then they'll be over on some horrible website like conservapedia and then they'll decide that any race that has fallen that far deserves to die.

Not in a mean way, mind you, they'd just to put it out of its misery.  And then they'll start up their own civilization that'll go to Alpha Centuri.

People talking behind your back- your doctor

I'm not exactly big on going to see my doctor.  This is probably because I realize I take incredibly shitty care of my body.  I've just gone through a week where I might had actually been consuming under 1500 calories a day and had been sleeping 3 hours a night, on average.

My two main activities thus far have been working sitting down on a computer and doing my best zombie impression in front of a computer.  According to these energy drink cans and large Starbucks coffee cups littered around me, I've consumed enough caffeine to power a 5 year old for thirty seconds on the "birthday-party-with-cake-and-ice-cream-YAAAAAY!" setting.

I look like I lost a fight with someone who's opening move was to punch me in both eyes due to the ever darkening bags under them.  I get the feeling if my doctor were to see me right now, he'd shake his head disapprovingly, forever judging me as too retarded to own a body.

You're telling me you're dehydrated... because you forgot to drink anything all day?

There is the other small issue of the fact that I'm pretty sure my doctor wants to drug me and rape me.  Well, maybe not the rape, but he most assuredly wants to drug me.  I should probably explain.

A while ago (like 7-8 years ago?  I'm to sleep deprived to do math) I was diagnosed with ADD--- dude, check it out, shiny!  ooh.  Shiny.

Shiiiinnnny.

So, what were we talking about?  Ah.  ADD.  Right.  Well, there was a period of for or so years when I'd actually visit the doctor for my yearly checkups or however often you're supposed to go visit the doctor.  I did this because he controlled my med prescription, and I'd need to go to a check up to get a new prescription when I was running out of pills.

Damn, when I put it that way, I sound like a junkie.

At any rate, he'd always ask me if I wanted to up my dosage and/or take some extra "off the books" prescriptions just in case I ever needed them.  It does not help his case that this advice would always happen when it was just the pair of us in the examining room together.  That man wanted me hooked on Concerta like Trebek wants kids hooked on phonics.

So, I'm not exactly up to date with my checkups.  Well, I felt a sort of justification for this when I learned that doctors aren't always so hot on patients either.  Turns out all that scribbling and acronym use are just a doctor's way of calling you a drooling shithead to your face without you knowing.  Actually, the way they'd do it would be to diagnose you with Cranio-faecal Syndrome, which is a disease made up for the sole purpose of calling you a drooling shithead.

Some of the best ones have got to be:
DRTTTT - Dead Right There, There, There and There (patient dead and in multiple parts at scene of accident)

Gravity Assisted Concrete Poisoning - jumped/fell from height

Smurf Sign - patient blue or going blue

Solomf yoyo - So long, motherfucker, you're on your own   (Used when a patient is beyond the point of saving)

Tachylordyosis (with the junctional Jesus) - Usually a middle-aged to older black female American with a complaint of "lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy", occasionally with the interspersed "Jesus" i.e. "lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, Jesus help me, lordy, lordy"

On second thought, I'm comforted by the fact that doctors have a good sense of humor.  Also, some of these acronyms are just touching, for example, being transferred to the ECU (Eternal Care Unit) means a patient has died.  Some of them are also terrifying (getting the "slow code" means that a patient is dying but no real attempt will be made to save them due to more pressing more curable concerns).

In truth, doctors have to deal with about 200% more death and bullshit than the rest of us.  They deserve their own language to help cope (and disguise unfortunate truths from over-emotional relatives).  So, it is also with some sadness that it seems like doctor slang is dying out due to fear that it'll come back in court to haunt them.


Don't be an asshole- keep doctor slang alive.  Even when it is used to tell you to fuck off (TTFO).

Passing of one of the greats

For those of you whose Facebook feeds didn't spontaneously explode, Steve Jobs passed away yesterday.  And if you have even the slightest bit of nerd in you (hint: you do) than this is a very, very sad event.  This was a man who was, in a way, primarily responsible for the nerd dominated culture of today.

Oh, don't look at me that way.  We live in an age where it is very, very good to be a nerd.  The fact that I still exist in any capacity is proof of this- if I lived in an 80's high school, the jocks would have stuffed my ass in a locker so fast, I would end up in the locker before they first thought about putting me in there.

I'm sorry I just violated special relativity for a shitty joke, Einstein.  I really am.  It won't happen again.

And the reason why it is so good to be a nerd?  Jobs.  He was a man with a plan- a visionary, if you will.  You can blame Bill Gates for getting a computer in every office, but Jobs was the one to make computing and computers cool.  He was the one to put a computer in every dorm room.  Seriously- computers didn't really get cool until after the ipod came out and you could store an entire building of 45's on something that could fit in your pocket.

Jobs has always been on the front end of successful technologies long before the iPhone.  After all, the Macintosh was the first really successful home computer, and it also pioneered the graphical user interface we use today- on any operating system.  So, the reason the recycling bin looks the way it does?  That's Job's fault.

But mostly, Jobs believed in getting products people actually wanted to use.  And it payed off- who here doesn't use an iPod for playing mp3's on the go?  The answer is very, very few of you.  And judging from how my Facebook feed was squeeing over the new iOS, I'd say Apple is alive and well in the mobile department.

But despite all these fantastic things, Jobs I think can be best remembered for this: he knew he was visionary.  From the very start, Jobs knew he was going to change the world.  And he did- by designing sleek, useful and easy to use products, he made computing cool.

So, thank you Steve Jobs.  Thanks for my friends.

So... in heaven... does the iPhone support Flash?  Cause that would be sweet.

So, you can be any video game character.... (part 2)

Ok, I can't possibly go through all the games I sifted through to answer this question.  I had an easier time picking out my favorite super power for christsakes.

In the overwhelming majority of games, characters come close but don't quite get there.  Either the character in question has to handle things at far earlier an age I'd actually want to handle that shit at, or the world in question has an alarming flaw that's never actually wrapped up at the credits or the character in question looks retarded.

Spoilers be ahead.  So don't read past this point if that's an issue for you.

An example, Sora from Kingdom Hearts is great until you realize his parents got murdered by the heartless at 14, he spends most of his journey with only two friends (one is a bit of a dick and the other one is short bus special) and gets his memories erased and then reconstructed, which kinda screws up the whole system.

At the end of the day, I've got it narrowed down to two.  Both make me feel like I'm gaming the system at some point, which means I don't really like any of these answers, but they fit the best.  First up, a Final Fantasy title.  I know, I said I gave up on the series.  I lied.  Citations are the only things that keep me honest.  I'm a human Wikipedia.
 

I may really like insane outfits.  Nothing Marche is wearing makes any sense, and I want it so bad.

The character in question is Marche from Final Fantasy Tactics Advance.  Marche is awesome- he starts out as an average, everyday kid that is magically transported into the world of Ivalice (a common Final Fantasy location), in which you get all your awesome Final Fantasy mainstays.  Plus, with the clan system, you're not stuck hanging out with the same idiots that make up your starting party, which lets you *gasp* actually pick your friends. 

Marche happens to be a human, which means he gets access to almost all the skills in the entire game, letting him mix it up with just about whatever he wants.  He's also magically competent, so no worry about building up a skill set.  Plus, he starts the game in "school", so I'm invoking my right to make him a senior and 18, which isn't that young.

The problems start to form with the plot- although having Marche go through the game as a player is amazingly rewarding (its got an fantastic plot dealing with teen angst, bullying, and dysfunctional families), I wouldn't want to do any of that.  Why?  Because at the conclusion of the game, Marche takes the high road and returns to the normal world, escaping from the fantasy land that was conjured up by his friend, Mewt.  That sorta defeats the purpose of doing all of this in the first place, as hey, I can be me in the real world already.  So, if I can opt to ignore the plot (or follow it to a point and stop, as I'm the one in control of these characters), then Marche wins.

If the background music actually plays while I'm in universe, Baldur's Gate wins hands down.

The next big iffy is the protagonist from the Baldur's Gate games.  Baldur's Gate has everything I'd ever want in a fantasy title- wizards able to cast incredible spells, fantastic monsters, breathtaking locations,and brilliant characters I'd love to meet in real life.  I'ts a rich place I'd kill to spend an afternoon in- and in fact, I've played through the series more than once.  I've spent more than just an afternoon there.

The issues with the Baldur's Gate games and why they don't quite work are two-fold:
1) They're based on a fantasy setting that has been referenced in countless table top games and books, which may disqualify it.  The Forgotten Realms is practically  a watchword amongst nerds these days, and that means its scope and complexity is a lot larger than anything you could conjure up in a video game.
2) The protagonist isn't really a character and more of an extension of they player.  He has no set dialogue, your actions make him who he is.  In essence, I'm not assuming a character, I'm porting myself to a fantasy setting- and I happen to be plot relevant.  It just feels like cheating somehow.

I know, I'm forgetting like 9999 (everyone knows numbers don't go higher than that) games.  I've probably forgotten someone that would totally kick the crap out of these two.  I'm not even that happy with these two choices.

Maybe I'm just an optimist or stupid lucky, but I think I sorta prefer meatspace than actually living in any video game, even for just a little while.  Sure it might be nice to take a trip to the Kokiri forest, but I'd rather go to Yellowstone National Park.  It doesn't have fairies but it does have deer.  And have you ever been close enough to a semi-wild stag to touch it?  I have- it's a far more potent experience than Navi bitching at you.

Doing this has made me realize that there is something fantastic about reality.  Its far deeper, more complex and more wonderful than any tale told or place imagined.  Middle Earth has nothing on the Middle East.

Alright, I'm done being philosophical an' shit.  Blame it on a lack of sleep or something.  Back to robot apocalypse based posts on Thursday!